Wedded Wednesday: In Front of the Kids?

Charlow Family asked: Do you discuss your disagreements in front of your kids? Right now we have a 1-year old and we are trying to find a healthy boundary line for discussing things in front of her as they arise, and waiting for when we are behind closed doors. I'm not talking about major issues here, just little things that crop up during the day. I don't want our daughter growing up thinking that having a happy marriage means you never disagree, but I don't want her to see her parents bickering all the time either.

(this is John, the husband)
I think I've swerved beyond the original question a little. For better or worse, we have a tendency to do what our parents did. Now I didn't say always, but sometimes, a tendency. I didn't see my parents disagree/argue much during my years under their roof. Meredith witnessed the opposite. So, as you might imagine, we're mutts on this one - a mix of yes and no, not always but sometimes.

We polled our kids tonight at dinner time on this one. They said we argue often and always in front of them. That's just great; last time we'll poll the kids. Yet note to self and others: perceived reality to a child is the reality. As we asked a little deeper we learned it wasn't so much our arguing that bothered them as our going to separate corners in the heat of the moment. Sometimes Meredith and I need to do that, give each other space, take a time-out. But in the eyes of our kids, they experience the conflict dividing us. It is no longer dadandmom, but dad and mom. If they should go to bed without witnessing us coming back together, then they've seen the sun set on their parents' anger.

So, just as when you discipline a child there has to be a moment of welcoming that child back to your embrace, so too there needs to be a visible re-union of husband and wife should the argument they decided to make public drive them apart. I'm not talking about some forced kiss-and-make-up for appearance sake, but an honest confession that we're still disagree, we still love you, and we'll be here when you wake in the morning. I believe there are times for fighting and times for ceasing. But I believe at all times we must remember the children

(this is Meredith, the wife)

Yes, we disagree in front of our kids. And according to them, we disagree often. Ha!

I think we're fairly cognizant of the need to table discussions, um, disagreements that pertain to the kids until after they're in bed. Or if it's something else we know needs to be discussed in private, we'll retreat. But little things? Yeah, I think it pretty much happens in the moment. Remember, I'm "mercurial".

I don't know if this is good, or if this is bad. I just know it's honest. Our kids know that we love each other. They see the mushy-gushy-lovey-dovey stuff as well as the we're-just-not-seeing-eye-to-eye-right-now stuff. And like John said, if they never saw us come back together and make up and forgive and move on, I'd start to worry.